Idiolect

Despite getting out of work early yesterday on account of snow, I did not quite manage to finish Dragon Age before dayzdark came home and I had to go to bed. I don't have much left, though - some miniboss fights and then the final battle, it looks like. So yeah, I've done the Landsmeet (which I did awesomely and owned forever, hahaha Noel you have so little faith in me) and the big decisions that follow it. Oh, Alistair. ( spoilers ) The decision I made is the most in-character for the PC I'm portraying, but wow I'm second-guessing myself now.

To give this discussion some non-spoiler content, I'm very impressed by how deeply the storytelling in this game has affected me on an emotional level. I'm generally very detached and "mwahahaha DANCE MY PUPPETS" when I play video games, but I've become so invested in the fates of my party members that I've found myself unable to do that this time around. Whereas my thought process is usually like "will this action direct the outcome of this game in the direction I want it to go?", with Dragon Age it's ( okay that non-spoiler thing didn't last long after all. ) And then I sit there in the dialogue screen for ten minutes trying to make up my mind. Admittedly, part of this may be the fact that I decided to play on HARDCORE MODE ONE SAVE NO TAKEBACKS (though I do have a save from right before the end that I might go back to later to see what happens if I decide something else). When I got to the end of the Landsmeet and realized that everything had turned out the way I wanted despite it all, I set down the controller to go move my laundry around and realized that my hands were literally shaking with relief. And then, well, stuff that comes after that and my stomach basically fell out of my body and stayed there. So good work, dudes who made Dragon Age, on wrecking my whole day.

In a broader sense, Dragon Age absolutely nails one of my narrative kinks for RPGs of any sort, which is the idea of your choices genuinely mattering and genuinely changing your experience. For me, it's one of the most important things in gaming, but I find it to be much easier to come by in tabletop games than in CRPGs. I'm sure this is a limitation of technology - a human GM can change a story much more drastically due to player choice than can possibly happen in a video game where every possibility needs to be programmed out in advance. It's cool to see technology, and storytelling within a video game medium, advancing to a point where it's possible for me to feel the same way about a terrible and difficult video game choice that I did about a terrible and difficult tabletop roleplaying choice from years ago. (That choice was very similar to the one in Dragon Age actually, and in the tabletop RPG in question I made the opposite choice of the one I did in Dragon Age, which turned out to be exactly the right thing to do even though when I first made it I was convinced that I had just killed everyone by doing so.) And given that technology is always on the move, I am definitely keeping my saves for the inevitable sequel.

This post was supposed to be about other stuff too but I guess it wound up being only about video games. Oh well. Different topics coming later for those who think this sucks!

(Pre-emptive warning: I'm guessing there are ultimately going to be HUGE Dragon Age spoilers in the comments of this post, so tread carefully.)

In the interest of having real content in this journal again, and continuing to allow it to live up to its (screen) name, I have decided that I am going to resume writing down gaming stories here on a semi-regular basis. Most of these will be written versions of things I've told in various panels and at various cons, recorded now for posterity. I welcome requests from people who know these stories and would like to see any particular ones written down.

I would like to begin with a story about video games, Morrowind in specific. This did not happen to me, but was related directly to me by the individuals involved. I think you will agree that it is a story worth repeating.

( The Ring of Little Buddy )

Coda/sidenote to this story, and the source of this entry's title: Another story about these same gamers saw them painstakingly loading up their character with buffs, spells, and potions in preparation for a very difficult fight that they had lost several times before. They were feeling pretty good about their chances, and as their character jumped toward his next destination (because why walk in Morrowind when you can jump?), one of them turned to the other and said, "Nothing can stop us now!" At that exact moment, their character landed after jumping, somehow fell through the ground and into an unmapped area, and died.

Video games. Sometimes it's like they know.

INTERNAL MESSAGING - LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE REQUIRED - EYES ONLY
To: SCP-780
From: O5-3/780

Peach,

Thank you, I received your report. It was very thorough, but what on earth is "^_^"?

Malus Sylvestris

---

INTERNAL MESSAGING - LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE REQUIRED - EYES ONLY
To: O5-3/780
From: SCP-780

And here I thought you were going to tell me that I spelled "Aðalsteinn" wrong. I mean, some of what's in that name isn't even actually a letter. Anyway, it's just a smiley face. Like :) but in anime style, you know. I figured I had to sign my reports with something, and, well, my name's not really Peach, that's just what Agent Axel decided to call me. And since I'm pretty sure your name isn't really Malus Sylvestris (unless you had really weird parents) I also figured it was okay to just come up with my own way of identifying myself. I hope that's okay.

I guess if I'm going to be writing these reports for you all the time we should probably get to know each other, huh? You pretty much know everything about me already so I guess it's your turn to tell me a little about yourself. ^_^ Do you like your job here? Do you have a family? Or maybe if you don't want to talk about this over email we could get together and watch anime in my room sometime.

^_^

---

INTERNAL MESSAGING - LEVEL 4 CLEARANCE REQUIRED - EYES ONLY
To: O5-3/780
From: SCP-780

FINE be that way.

( Project MONUMENT 002: 19-20 January 2010, Paris )

---

( Session notes from the ST )

What is this?

An update on upcoming shows for my band:

Saturday, February 6: St. Paul Eagles Club, St. Paul MN
Electric show with Willie McManus, Dragich & the Polemics, and Lying Naked with the Stars. Doors at 8, we go on at 9. $5 suggested donation; 18+. The St. Paul Eagles Club is located at 287 Maria Avenue.

Friday, February 19: The Coffee Grounds, Falcon Heights MN
Acoustic show starting at 7 p.m. Free; tips welcome. All ages.

Saturday, February 20: Sacred Paths Center, St. Paul MN
Solo or acoustic, 3-5 p.m. as part of a fundraiser for Twin Cities Pagan Pride. All ages.

Saturday, March 6: MarsCon, Bloomington MN
Acoustic performance in our Space Oddity Music Club & Brew Pub room party - which is still looking for donations, by the way! Performing alongside us will be Gifted Gear, Feng Shui Ninjas, Toyboat, and possibly other special guests to be announced. We will also be running this party all weekend at the con, and keeping the music circles going.

Friday, May 14-Sunday, May 16: DemiCon, Des Moines IA
Just confirmed; thanks ericcoleman. Details TBA.

There will also be something scheduled in April, and we'll probably be at No Brand Con in Eau Claire on May 1 in some band-like configuration or another. We also plan to release an EP of covers and humorous songs entitled More Songs About Robots & Death at CONvergence 2010.

In other musical news, I am writing songs again! It feels really good. I spent most of last year so focused on other things musically, like getting pre-existing material out the door, that I hardly wrote anything new at all. Only four that were totally new by my count (Vash's Song, Mary Sue, Stand, and Becoming which still doesn't have a finished demo so nobody has ever heard it and thus it hardly counts). And the year before that I only wrote five (the trilogy, Drinking Song, Passing Through). That is...really not very productive at all. For years I could get away with not working very fast because I had this huge backlog of unrecorded good stuff to work through, but making two full-length records in as many years pretty well obliterated that. So I have to figure out how to actually produce content again.

I thought about doing RPM again this year, but, well, dayzdark's birthday and Valentine's Day and the Winter Olympics and having three shows scheduled already made me realize that I was unlikely to actually complete the challenge in the allotted time while still remaining healthy and happy. I think that a much more realistic goal is one new song a month, which would theroetically give me enough material for a new record by this time next year. This is especially reasonable considering that the Player Characters are going to be rehearsing biweekly instead of weekly this year, which will give me more time to demo things in my home studio. One song a month is way more compatible with how I work, too; I write very slowly and deliberately but when I'm done with something it is almost always a keeper, as opposed to the "throw lots of stuff at the wall and see what sticks" songwriting method.

Toward that end, I started working on two songs yesterday. One is for More Songs About Robots & Death and is only about a third of the way done, so I won't talk about that here. The other just sort of fell out while I was in the shower, which they kind of do. It's basically the shallowest pop song I have ever written, and what it's about is actually sufficiently embarrassing that I'm not going to explain its inspiration here. Though I do wonder what the over/under is on somebody guessing it. Probably like 6 hours.

I was talking about it on Facebook yesterday and a lot of people seemed really interested in it, so I thought I'd post the lyrics. But the Notes feature doesn't seem to be working correctly on Facebook, and I like LJ better anyway, so you guys get to see these first. Ha!

( Yield )

So there's that. My goal for the end of the month is to have either this or "Becoming" demo'd and posted by the end of the month. "Becoming" is sitting more than half done on my 8-track, and I should really get that done so I can FINALLY post it to the District 9 communities...but I'm also really excited about how "Yield" is going to sound and I might have to get that out of my system before I can reasonably expect to get anything done on any other songs. Choices, choices...

In a few hours I will be making a post that contains the plot summary for the first session of my group's new Hunter: The Vigil game. (Yeah, I still have two Firefly summaries to do, but I'll get to those...I wanted to get this kicked off first.) If you've been reading plot summaries for my games for a while, you will notice right away that the format I'm using this time around is different from the way I've done it in the past (that is, straightforward narrative writing with a lot of details included). This is for a few reasons. First, it takes me a really long time to write plot summaries in their current form (about 6 hours if I'm lucky), and as part of Operation Cut Down On Unnecessary Crap In My Life, I can definitely dial that back if I approach them with less need to include so much detail, internal monologue, etc. Second, I also realize that plot summaries in their current form are really uninteresting to read for anyone who isn't in my game, and even for people who are in my game sometimes, so this is my attempt to hold the attention of a wider audience. Finally, writing a really dry narrative plot summary is just plain boring for me sometimes, so the new way of doing it will incorporate more creative writing and make it more fun for me to do them.

So from now on, you will see plot summaries that are shorter, quirkier, more IC, and hopefully more fun for everybody. It should go without saying that if you are a player in my game, much of the information you will read outside of the summary itself should be treated as facts that your character does not necessarily know, so please treat that information as such in the game. Each plot summary will also include a few OOC notes at the end about my thoughts on how the session went, why I made certain decisions when telling the story, and other such metagame chatter. This way, people who are interested in my process as a Storyteller but don't care about the ins and outs of who did what to whom in the game can just skip to that part and respond to it as they see fit.

Plot summaries for this game can be found under the "project monument" tag in my LJ. I'll also link back to this post at the end of each summary so that people who are confused about what they're seeing (since all or most of it) will be IC prose can see this entry and realize that it's okay, it's only a game!

I am having a bummer of a day. I won't go into detail because I don't feel like fighting about it the way people have been doing on Facebook, but it's really disheartening to see most of my country dig in its heels and kick and scream and fight and obstruct every single change that is meant to make things better for people who are hurting in one way or another, and a sizable minority even celebrating over steps that make it more difficult to help people who are less fortunate than they are. I will never understand the American love affair with kicking people when they're down. To top it off, my entire workday has been a long parade of making foolish mistakes and having no one to blame for them but myself. And once it's over I can look forward to driving to an appointment clear on the other side of town, followed by coming home to do a crapton of chores that I've been putting off. Sigh.

Rather than be emo about these things, I will talk instead about the dubious joys of media consumption.

Supernatural returns to the airwaves tomorrow after a two-month hiatus. I'm cautiously optimistic about the current direction of things, I guess. I really hope this is actually the last season, not only because I'm trying to cut back on my weekly TV consumption as a whole, but because I don't know where else they can go after this that wouldn't just feel tacked on, and I"m tired of getting angry about it all the time when it screws up the way it constantly does. I'll see it through to the end, but it's not what it used to be for me. It sucks that I used to love that show so much and now it's "meh, take it or leave it."

Dollhouse has its last episode on Friday. I caught up last night while I ate dinner (I was two episodes behind) and I enjoyed it a lot. I won't get too into spoilers because I know some people who read here haven't caught up yet, but what I will say is that getting canceled was probably the best thing that ever could have happened to that show. Instead of mucking around through a series of ill-considered Jossian mysteries for years and dragging things out far beyond the point where they were interesting, while also dicking around with relationship nonsense and soap opera plots on the side, it was set up a mystery BAM resolve it satisfyingly. I don't know that I have ever seen a show improve so much in so short a period of time. I'll miss the finale because of my band's show at the Eagles Club (are you coming?), but I'm sure I'll have plenty to say when I watch it the next day.

However, most of my free time over the past few days has been devoted to playing Dragon Age: Origins. I am a huge fan of Bioware's RPGs and this one does not disappoint. For starters it's basically A Song of Ice and Fire: The Console RPG and I can get behind that in a big way. The characters are as good as I've come to expect from their games; Alistair is entertainingly goofy and makes me laugh basically every time he says anything and is also really adorable, Claudia Black's voice acting for Morrigan is superb, and now that I've figured out how to talk to him without pissing me off I find Sten to be really fun (I don't usually put him in my party though, takes too much babysitting). Also I will add that people who know how I play console RPGs will be shocked to discover that my character is not gay, principally because the only f/f romance in the game is with Leiliana, and I accidently made a character who looks exactly like her. Seriously, we have the same hair, same head, same skin tone, same everything and I'm sorry but video game twincest would be just too weird. It also helps that Alistair is funny and charming and, most importantly, NOT CARTH.

That said, the game is pretty frustrating sometimes, starting from right after the origin story got done when I walked into a cut scene by mistake and thereby screwed up getting a party member (the dog), which I found to be really irritating; if you're going to send me into a part of the story where it is "welp I hope you finished everything you needed to do in this area before you walked into that area without warning, because now that you came here you can never go back," at least make it so the point of no return gets triggered by talking to an NPC rather than just mistakenly taking two steps in the wrong direction. There were also several difficult fights that were preceded by a lengthy cut scene but not followed by an auto-save, meaning that when my party inevitably wiped I would have to go through the whole cut scene again. Why do games still do this stuff? It's so simple to fix those things, and it takes so much away from my enjoyment when it's not fixed.

I am now in ( spoilers ). I'm almost done and I'm really, really sick of it. I played for almost 3 hours last night and it was one of those "save after every encounter" kind of sessions. Hopefully I can get through the rest of it without that much difficulty and get back to what I really enjoy console RPGs for, which is interacting with my party.

Anyway, it's time for me to bounce. Please don't forget that the Player Characters have an electric show at the Eagles' Club in St. Paul on Friday night! We go on at 8:30. It would make me really happy if people could see us there.

I was intending at some point to make a big post here about all of my goals for 2010 and how I need to get my poop in a group, so to speak, but I don't think that will be necessary now. To wit: I attended a ritual last night (after almost deciding not to go, ironically) that was quite timely in that it had to do with setting goals and boundaries for the coming year. During the discussion portion, one other participant said something that really resonated with me, so I think I will adopt it: "My goal for 2010 is to treat myself like I would treat my friends."

I thought there was a lot of depth to this statement. On the one hand, yes, it means being kind to myself and forgiving of my own faults. But on the other hand, there certainly are actions and behaviors that I wouldn't tolerate from anyone I consider a true friend. I shouldn't give myself a break on those things either...while also realizing that mitigating factors do exist, and forgiveness is important.

It also means not asking too much of myself. I wouldn't expect a friend to work a 40-hour week and then ask them to spend every moment outside of that attending lectures, concerts, committee meetings, social events, and the like - so why should I expect that of myself? I should not have to accept every invitation that is offered, or take on every responsibility that I am asked to shoulder. If a friend says, "sorry I didn't make it to your show, I was kind of tired so I stayed home and played Dragon Age instead," I never get angry or begrudge them that - yet I get angry with myself if I choose a "time waster" like video games or channel surfing over household chores, plot summaries, game prep, website design, blogging, or even music in my so-called free time. Even supposedly enjoyable things like watching favorite TV shows become something I have to schedule my life around. I find it easy to accept that other people need leisure and downtime, so why should it be difficult for me to accept that in myself?

In 2009, my life got way out of control and way out of balance. Dealing with our house hunting nightmare and then finally moving in consumed most of my time and energy, and music took whatever was left over. A nice side effect of this was that it forced me to cut out a lot of extraneous things - but now that I have a better idea of what my new routine is really like, it is becoming apparent that my current level of commitment to various groups and activities is perhaps still untenable. Day after day of 10.5 hours spent between work and commuting, followed by 1 hour to get home feed cats change clothes grab crappy fast food meal that is terrible for me and my health so I can RUN RUN RUN to whatever starts happening at 7 p.m. and then RUN RUN RUN back home at 10 to see dayzdark however briefly before I can't resist sleep any longer, is wearing me down both physically and mentally. It sucks because I'm at the point now where if I start cutting things, the things that go will be things I genuinely like and value; everything that was just unpleasant is now long gone. But when even things like going to a band rehearsal begin to feel like a chore rather than a joy, it's a good sign that it's time to cut back.

So what I am going to ask from those of you who know me in real life is this: If you notice that I'm wearing thin, please make me stop whatever I am doing for somebody else at least long enough to make sure that in the near future, I do something for only myself. Even if that means letting something else wait for a while. Especially if that means letting something else wait for a while. It is also likely that you will be seeing less of me at social events, concerts, and get-togethers, particularly on weeknights, and even when those events take place inside my own home. This is not because I'm replacing you, or because I don't like you; it's because I intend to spend more nights on the couch, with a good book or video game or TV show or movie, talking to my husband, petting my cats, and basically caring for my own mental and emotional welfare at least as much as I do for that of others. Having something that is supposed to be fun going on every night of every week is not conducive toward the "getting back in balance" and "keeping it together" stuff that I need to concern myself with right now. There are also a few specific real-life things that I can see I need to cut back on, but those are better discussed in person than via LJ (and most have nothing to do with people who read LJ anyway).

The life I lead right now is so good, but for a long time there has just been too much of it. I've reached the point where every invitation feels like an obligation rather than a joy, and where I know that any new commitments will bring everything I'm juggling crashing down on my head. And considering that life can change in an instant and add things that aren't negotiable, I'd better get ready for the inevitable by getting myself ready to face the changes that I know are in my future...both good and bad.

An informational page about our room party at MarsCon, Space Oddity Music Club & Brew Pub, just went up. Games, music circles, beer, and concerts by four great geeky bands!

Once again, we are seeking donations to help defray the cost of the party. We would greatly appreciate contributions in any amount. $20 is the suggested amount, but in this economy, we'll take what we can get. Donations can be sent to belovedporcupine@gmail.com. We are enormously grateful to everyone who has helped us get the party off the ground last year; your support has meant the world to us. But if you can't afford to donate this year, don't sweat it, and just make sure to drop by and say hello at the con. (c:

Thanks again, and we'll see you at MarsCon!

(x-posted everywhere)

And thus do we enter a new decade. Happy New Year, everybody! The '00s (which I don't think anyone ever figured out a good name for, actually...) marked big changes for me as they did for pretty much all of my peers. I was lucky enough to be able to say that almost all of the big changes were good ones for me. During the past decade I graduated high school, became a legal adult and established myself to be relatively successful at being such, earned two degrees, met and married my life partner, made lifelong friends and stood beside them through changes both positive and negative, bought a home, traveled my own country and the world, converted to a new religion, and accomplished lifelong dreams in my career as a musician. I am sure that the next decade will bring just as many big changes, and I'm excited but nervous to face them. In the new decade I wish all of you happiness and success, however you define those terms.

I rang in the new year at dayzdark's parents' home in Indiana, as has been my tradition for almost the entirety of the previous decade. The party has shrunk a bit from the heights of attendance it once had, but honestly that makes it a little easier to deal with, and I still get to see dayzdark's family and a number of their longtime friends who I generally only run into at that party. It was great to see all the attendees, who are too numerous to name, and catch up on their lives while also playing a lot of fun board, card, and roleplaying games with them. I wish I'd had a little more time to spend with his family, but schedules and a few miscommunications made that difficult this year. At the very least, I know I'll see them all again this summer when Adam takes his final vows. I'm looking forward to that very much.

While in Indiana, a bunch of us also went out to see Avatar on the recommendation of dayzdark's parents who had seen it previously. I thought that it was visually astonishing, and definitely breaks new ground in the realm of what CG can do. I kept waiting for something in the visuals to break my disbelief and it just never happened, even in the most complicated shots. Storywise...ugh, not good. I thought that literally every aspect of the plot and writing was trite and overdone at best, and insulting to the audience and frankly racist at worst. It's a gorgeous movie, but fundamentally it's also a "white guy saves all those savages by being better at their culture than they are" movie. And seriously we have had enough of that. That said, if you can deal with the presence of an awful lot of icky tropes in your story (and Wilhelm screams, and a plot device mineral that they literally call "Unobtainium," *eyeroll*), it is extremely pretty to look at. I look forward to the day when someone with a better story to tell can take advantage of the technological advances in Avatar and make something that breaks as much ground narratively as it does visually.

Anyway, I'm back home safely now, in the company of two cats who are extremely needy thanks to being mostly alone at home for the past week (thanks be to sylmenya for taking such good care of them!). I need to pick dayzdark up at the airport in a couple of hours; we were supposed to go out to dinner and then watch the Doctor Who Christmas special, but he just called me to say that he had contracted some sort of stomach flu (and how much does it suck to need to fly with the stomach flu?) so it looks like that's not going to happen today. Tomorrow is Twilight Imperium day, which I'm really excited for; maybe I'll hang out with people that night too. On Monday I go back to work after two mostly relaxing weeks off. I'm doing my laundry right now but other than that I don't think I'll be doing very much that is productive this weekend. I do have a number of goals for the new year so maybe I'll write about those later on. For now, though, some video games may be calling my name...